Of Myself I Can Do Nothing

Of Myself I Can Do Nothing

Uncertain where to start with this post, despite being certain of the topic.

Confusion reigns supreme, both internally & across the globe.

My internal turmoil feels as much triggered by energy shifts occurring across the planet, as it does by my individual processes.

I am struggling, in varying degrees through fluctuating moments, to have faith in any higher level of my self, be that my Higher Self, Holy Spirit, Christ or God, to guide me beyond my egoic challenges.

I am 55, single, essentially broke, working limited hours, no investments, no clear cut career path, no tangible path forward through this life. I am in many ways directionless.

Dropping any pretence of control over my life & offering up my life to the guidance of God, be that through Christ, the Holy Spirit, or my Higher Self, seems…foolish.

What am I supposed to do?

How am I supposed to function?

My spiritual journey has been a long, slow, winding path, with many a twist & turn, multiple distractions, & a sprinkling of enlightening moments which remind me of why I’m on this path in the first place.

And they have led me to this moment.

But what is this moment?

This moment is the crossroad moment. It’s a moment that sees me writing a blog to the world.

Minimal editing.

Minimal self-censorship.

It’s a moment where I admit to the world that I do not know what I am. I do not know what I am doing. I do not know what is best for me. I do not know my highest purpose in this life. And that of myself I can do nothing.

How can I function effectively in the world when I don’t know what steps to take? When I don’t know what words to say?

How do I relinquish control for all that I am, when I live in a world that demands that success is all about taking control of my destiny, of changing my life in the way that I think it needs changing, of being not just a try-er but a do-er? How do I abandon my sense of identity, when that is something I’ve been attached to my whole life? It’s something that I’ve worked on, developed, nourished, and struggled with, through every minute of every day, consciously or otherwise, since the day I popped into existence. How do I let all of that go?

It’s not that I don’t know how. I’ve read A Course In Miracles front to back. I’ve done the lessons. I’ve read it some more. I’m reading it again. And there’s not a day in my life any more where there isn’t a line or a phrase or some aspect of the book playing through my thoughts, be it in the stillness of a silent meditative moment, or in the throws of a challenging situation (though more often shortly after). It’s on my mind when I wake in the morning. It’s on my mind when I go to bed.

Being led to that book was perhaps the most significant moment in my life. It was a door opening to a whole new way of being that I simply couldn’t deny. And though the journey sometimes feels slow, sometimes laboured, my steps are always leading inexorably forward, even if each one is at times the most minuscule of increments. I know, even when I doubt there is evidence, that I’m moving forward.

Still…my ego is persistent. So insistent. It won’t let go without a fight & it currently feels like it’s kicked up a gear. There is an edge to how I feel right now that has surprised me.

There are always challenges along the way. I’m getting more adept at dealing with them. I only have to look at how I am today, versus how I was years before, to see that difference.

And yet…there is something about where I’m at right now that is more challenging. It’s been growing for months. A need to change direction in some unclear way. A push to relinquish even more than I might have anticipated of parts of me that I thought were intrinsic to my path forward. Where I have felt divinely guided in the past to step forth in a given direction, supported by a synchronicity of events that I could never have anticipated, I’m now feeling guided to step forth in a very different direction, but in ways I’m yet to truly comprehend.

Am I simply resisting the nudge? Stepping back from a direction being offered? Is it my ego fighting back? Is it the sheer level of uncertainty about what comes next that is causing my hesitation? Every other occasion has had a sense of direction & sense of rightness to it that has overcome any doubts or questions that I have had. It has always been enough for me to take the leap.

But this time? Is this simply too much of an unknown for my mind to grapple with? I’m feeling conflicted.

Yet Holy Spirit isn’t about conflict. It won’t engage in a fight. It will only wait patiently for me to call. It will respond in the silence. And that response will be a sign, a thought, a feeling, a knowing. It may show up in a dream. Or perhaps the words of another. Maybe it will be a bolt out of the blue experience, or instead a synchronous flow of circumstances that have a rightness to them that feels undeniable.

There have been hints, yet those hints don’t feel clear enough. Unusual dreams. Brief moments in conversations. All too vague though. Too…uncertain. Some clarity is what I’ve really been holding out for. But the wait for that feels long. Sometimes it’s been a struggle. My ego has been getting impatient, wanting to insert timetables, offer up comparisons, judgements, expectations, doubts.

I look at all the phrases, words, prompts I’ve felt compelled to scrawl onto post-it notes and place before me on my pin boards.

“Change your paradigm.” leaps out at me.

Tears are triggered. I don’t know what to do. I feel uncertain. And I know at some level that I’m afraid.

“I can only change the world at the level of mind.” comes next.

I know part of my issue is wanting to change the world at the level of form. Through my books. I thought that was how I would contribute a change to the world. That was how I was going to do something positive, something meaningful. Significant. I’ve been working on the story within my books for decades. Since I was 18. They have woven their way through my life’s journey for so long, evolving as I evolved, waiting for a time when I was ready to write them. I thought I’d finally got there. 

And then the last few months happened.

That has been the hardest part to let go of. My novels. The focus on writing my novels. I’m not sure yet if this relinquishing of them as a life focus is a permanent thing, or a temporary necessity. I’m not sure what will come next.

But if I’m to change my paradigm, then they do feel like part of an old paradigm, despite the newer perspectives I was weaving through them.

And perhaps they are part of why this post needed to be written. It is perhaps not just about me writing an open, (mostly) unedited conversation with a world that may never actually read these words. It is I expect, a need to acknowledge more openly that I have to move forward more completely into a future where I can’t even see, let alone anticipate, what is written there.

It is time to take a more complete leap of faith into what is for me at least, the great unknown.

And with that admission, this post suddenly feels finished. It got where it needed to go. And another step has been taken.

2 Replies to “Of Myself I Can Do Nothing”

  1. Continues to shine Derek. Life is not about what you become. As long as you are in God you are in good path.. Life is not easy. I really like to read thus.. Continue doing it..

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